Falling Down

For the past four years airplanes, passport checks, children and books, new countries, strange food and unexplainable circumstances have defined my life. Buses, taxis, trains, hotels, hostels and dormitories, internet cafes, churches, orphanages, prisons and conference calls. Trainings, teaching, leading, close calls and sleepless nights. Boat rides, horses and bad translators. Missing home and frequent flyer miles. My passport is filled with stamps and visas from almost every continent. These things have shaped and formed my world and given me my purpose and my cause. And now it’s ending. The things I thought I knew about myself and who I am here at Book of Hope are suddenly falling down around me. My travel time is done.

I am not quitting Book of Hope, I have not been fired or downsized or “let go of”. My assignment this next spring caught me by surprise to say the least; to use my newest favorite word, I was stupefied.

Unfortunately I realize that much of the way I define myself has been through the work I’ve been doing for God. If you had asked me yesterday who I was or what I do, I’d have no problem telling you all about Book of Hope and what we do around the world. But that’s not the question or the answer. Who am I as a person? Who am I deep down in my soul and heart? Am I just my abilities and talents? Am I really all the things that I’ve built up around me? It’s almost as though suddenly you’ve been completely exposed and laid out in front of everyone to see what you’re truly made of and what you’ve got. It’s as though someone is taking everything that I’ve held onto and forcing me to let go of them. I think I know who that someone is and why He’s doing this.

Part of the problem comes when people ask me what I’m doing next semester and where I’m going. An answer of “I don’t know yet” sometimes fulfills the wonder. Not this time though, I know exactly where I’ll be but I have no idea where I’m going.

A book I've been reading recently talks quite extensively about this subject of the danger of building your ministry into who you are. The book challenges us to make our ministry a result of the intimate times we spend with God, not the other way around. I've always thought that my relationship with God grows as a result of my ministry, but it should actually be that my ministry grows because of the quiet time I spend with Him and learning to listen to His voice.

So that’s my question now to you. I ask you to think of the things we may be hiding behind to avoid the quiet times alone with God. What work or busyness are we engaging in to avoid the soul searching? I would never ever have thought this day would come; I always saw my life as being on the right track and my relationship with God is good. I suppose your ministry or work isn’t an appropriate gauge of who you are in Christ.

So who am I? I’m planning on finding out. And who are you?