Start with I

I was asked a question today that I wasn’t prepared for. A question that years or months ago there would’ve been a simple answer for, a simple unquestionable response; this evening though I stumbled to formulate my thoughts.

A friend of mine asked me to help out a friend of his who had to interview a missionary for one of their mission’s classes at school. One of the highlights of doing what you do is that people sometimes ask you lots of questions and you get the impossible task of trying to put years of experiences into linear thoughts and attempt to combine them into reasonable answers. The question wouldn’t have been too difficult to answer just a year ago.

For seven years I worked overseas with Book of Hope. I served faithfully in different aspects of the ministry in about 40 countries. I raised my own support, put aside dreams and careers and family and friends. Leaving the familiar for the unknown, saying goodbye to the American Dream for the Missionary lifestyle; leaving the normal and the semi-predictable for places of weakness, loneliness and desperation. It would seem that I’m patting myself on the back, but I’m not, I’m realizing that I was wrong.

The question went something like this, “What aspects have you learned from Missions that I can apply to my own life”.

Two words immediately came to mind. Two words that I could think of that have signified my work in missions and ministry. Two aspects came to my mind that I’ve actually taught as ministry essentials to new interns. Integrity and Servanthood. I used to teach two classes and even have the interns do a fill-in of key words and thoughts. As I began explaining myself and what those two words or aspects meant another word that starts with “I” began to invade my thoughts. A word that suddenly made me reflect on my seven years and whether I had missed the purpose of being in ministry or in service to God.

When you think about it. All the other words or aspects that you could name really flow from this one thing. Heart for service, joy, peace, patience, integrity, wisdom, servanthood, being all you can be. Integrity and Servanthood were things that marked my actions. But God isn’t interested in our doing. The word continued to plague my thoughts. Intimacy.

As I look back I can see that of all the work I’ve done, all the places, all the trainings, all the books, all the teams, all the sleepless nights, all the long plane, train and bus rides, all the foreign languages, all the schools and everything else to go with it doesn’t mean anything without an intimate relationship with Christ.

It’s just stuff. It’s just work, the same as someone sitting at a desk all day, the same as someone digging trenches all day. Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything without knowing Christ and His heart.

All these years of service haven’t meant anything without knowing God’s heart. All the doing means nothing without the loving. Perhaps the most “human-mind-boggling” part about the whole thing is that God desires this intimacy with us.

As the world careens towards the end times the most important thing in our lives will most likely not be which career we choose or where we live. The most important thing to fuel our existence will be an ever-increasing intimate knowledge of God’s heart. Intimacy with Christ will be what sets us apart and what saves us from being misled.

When I look back at pictures and stories from the past seven years there are some regrets and some places that I wish I would’ve had more integrity or I wish I would’ve served more. But in every single instance, I wish I would’ve searched for a deeper relationship and love of God and His heart.

I won’t carry the weight of regret or sulk about time lost or time given. I will however choose to put one thing in the forefront of everything else. To desperately pursue and passionately seek an intimate relationship with the Lover of my heart.

How precious to me are your thoughts, oh God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake I am still with you.
Ps. 139: 17-18

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