Looking out at Nothing

Staring out the window blackened by the cold night that consumes the Romanian countryside, our traveling companions look at nothing really. Save the random streetlight and train stop that color the scenery there isn’t much to look at besides each other, but that’s not really acceptable. Eric and I are accompanying the new National Director to a city just north of Bucharest.

There are three other people with us in the small cabin, three people whom we’ve never met and probably won’t talk to for the entire trip. The cold weather and the cultural expectations diminish most chances of striking up a meaningful conversation with strangers. Why is that? What is it about culture, fear and society that separates us into our personal space and comfort levels? What would we see differently if we saw with an eternal perspective?

After about three hours into the trip I realized the lady sitting next to me and across from me had been staring out the window pretty much the entire time. For most of the day it was acceptable, there were houses, cars, people, buildings, churches, cities and signs to stare at. After nightfall you couldn’t really see anything out the window except your own reflection and even that loses it’s appeal.

Who were these people? Did they speak English? Where were they going? What would be the consequences of actually attempting a conversation? Do I have any right in bothering them? What should I ask them and what are their stories? What if someone somewhere is praying for their salvation and I’m the person God is putting into their path? What if one of their family members is praying that someone like me would be put in their lives to speak truth to them?

I pray for family and friends to come to know God and I always expect the messenger that’s going to do the job to be obedient to hearing His voice when their moment comes. I expect whoever is out there to be sensitive to what’s being whispered to them when my friends’ hearts are open to hear. Here I am praying all these prayers that someone dear to me would have the chance, or someone would tell them about Christ, I at least expect someone to have the courage and compassion to open their mouth and try. Maybe instead of praying so much for someone else to minister to my unsaved friends, I should pray first that God would use me and help me to be aware of those around me.

Why don’t we keep a better eye open for opportunities? Why don’t we make the most of each situation to turn someone’s heart and eyes towards God? How many more prayers must be offered before we become willing to put aside our agenda, plans or pride and point those around us to the answers for their problems?

I wish I could tell you how I did the good Christian missionary thing of opening up a conversation with them about how much God loves them and cares for them. I wish I could tell you that before the end of the trip they had both accepted Christ and had promised to start attending church. However…

The train rolled on, the hours passed slowly, the man checked our tickets and our cabin sat in silence. And out there, someone somewhere is praying, sending up requests and tears that someone somewhere would speak to their sister, mother, aunt, cousin the news of true joy. Someone may be praying that I will be willing. Unfortunately, I join them and sit and stare out the window… at nothing, praying for my friends and family.

Falling Down

For the past four years airplanes, passport checks, children and books, new countries, strange food and unexplainable circumstances have defined my life. Buses, taxis, trains, hotels, hostels and dormitories, internet cafes, churches, orphanages, prisons and conference calls. Trainings, teaching, leading, close calls and sleepless nights. Boat rides, horses and bad translators. Missing home and frequent flyer miles. My passport is filled with stamps and visas from almost every continent. These things have shaped and formed my world and given me my purpose and my cause. And now it’s ending. The things I thought I knew about myself and who I am here at Book of Hope are suddenly falling down around me. My travel time is done.

I am not quitting Book of Hope, I have not been fired or downsized or “let go of”. My assignment this next spring caught me by surprise to say the least; to use my newest favorite word, I was stupefied.

Unfortunately I realize that much of the way I define myself has been through the work I’ve been doing for God. If you had asked me yesterday who I was or what I do, I’d have no problem telling you all about Book of Hope and what we do around the world. But that’s not the question or the answer. Who am I as a person? Who am I deep down in my soul and heart? Am I just my abilities and talents? Am I really all the things that I’ve built up around me? It’s almost as though suddenly you’ve been completely exposed and laid out in front of everyone to see what you’re truly made of and what you’ve got. It’s as though someone is taking everything that I’ve held onto and forcing me to let go of them. I think I know who that someone is and why He’s doing this.

Part of the problem comes when people ask me what I’m doing next semester and where I’m going. An answer of “I don’t know yet” sometimes fulfills the wonder. Not this time though, I know exactly where I’ll be but I have no idea where I’m going.

A book I've been reading recently talks quite extensively about this subject of the danger of building your ministry into who you are. The book challenges us to make our ministry a result of the intimate times we spend with God, not the other way around. I've always thought that my relationship with God grows as a result of my ministry, but it should actually be that my ministry grows because of the quiet time I spend with Him and learning to listen to His voice.

So that’s my question now to you. I ask you to think of the things we may be hiding behind to avoid the quiet times alone with God. What work or busyness are we engaging in to avoid the soul searching? I would never ever have thought this day would come; I always saw my life as being on the right track and my relationship with God is good. I suppose your ministry or work isn’t an appropriate gauge of who you are in Christ.

So who am I? I’m planning on finding out. And who are you?