A likely conversation

-Shop Owner: Namaste.

-Driver: Namaste.

-Shop Owner: Can I help you? (said in Tamil, the local language here)

-Driver: Well yah actually, I’m looking for something, I’m looking for a horn. (Also said in Tamil, as is most of this conversation)

-A horn? We have plenty of those here. What kind of car is it for or what kind of sound are you looking for?

-Well I really want something that is pretty unique.

-Ok, let’s start with what kind of sound you’re wanting. You want something Loud and Proud? Something High and Shrill? Maybe something in the middle of those?

-Well, no not really, I’m kind of after something that’s really unique. Something that when people hear it they absolutely unmistakably know that it’s me.

-Shop Owner: Wow. Well that changes things. What kind of car do you have?

-Driver: I suppose I should have cleared that up at the beginning. It’s actually for a government bus that I drive. I need a new horn for it.

- Now I’m tracking. I know how you government buses run. You guys only have one speed “Get outta my way!”

- Haha. Yah that’s us.

- Well I guess I could set you up with something big and loud, you know something that’ll really scare those pedestrians, cars, auto rickshaws, bicyclists, cow carts, donkeys, other buses, trucks, cows, sheep and motorcyclists that get in your way.

- Um, I don’t know, like I said I’m looking for something really unique. Well, here’s what’s going on. You see there’s this tall missionary white guy coming here to Madurai. He’s going to be on my bus for at least 6 hours going from Salem to Madurai. My friends and I are just trying to make sure it’s an event he’ll never forget.

- Shop Owner: Haha! Those foreigners, they shake your hand one minute and pull out the germ killer the next… Haha… So besides the horn what else do you have planned? I mean did you strip down your seats so there’s a heavy metal bar in his back the whole time?

- Check

- Did you make sure there would be plenty of other people on the bus so he’s sitting on a bench seat crammed between a person and the window that the sun will be blazing through the whole time?

- Check

- Did you move the bench seats closer together to make sure his knee is grinding into the metal seat in front of him?

- Check

- Did you work down your gear box and transmission so every time you shift it grinds the gears and makes him think the bus is gonna break down?

- Check

- Did you make sure the road you’re taking is full of “diversions” that will take you over extremely bumpy gravel roads? And you’re going to have to be swerving around the whole time?

- Check and double check.

- Did you plan on stopping only once during the 6 hours for him to stretch and stand out in the hot sun drinking lukewarm coconut juice?

- Driver: Yep. Got it all. The whole experience.

- Shop Owner: Haha. Man that’s great. So now you’re looking to fill in the sound? You want to really send this kid home with an experience unlike any other?

- That’s the idea. See before he gets on my bus he’ll have spent 20 hours on the overnight train, and we both know how that can be. He’s gonna be on the top bunk with five other people in the cabin. The fans just inches above his head will be going all night. I already have people who’re planning on flicking on the lights every couple minutes. The coffee and tea guys are going to continually be walking through the halls, people’s phones will be going off all night, the guy across from him will cough loudly in his direction, other trains will pass and blow their horns and there will be a definite lack of sleep. So, by the time he gets on my bus he…

- Will he basically loathe the day he was born?

- Maybe not loathe, but definitely despise to a great degree any choice he had in coming here.

-Shop owner: Haha. Ok I think I got it.

-Driver: So what do you have?

- Shop owner: Well if I’d have known that was what you’re looking for, I would’ve taken this baby out a long time ago. Take a look at this. This my friend is the MASH- ITW 6000

- WOW. The what?

- The MASH- ITW 6000. The Most Annoying Sounding Horn In The World 6000. Guaranteed to make that kid’s hair stand up on the back of his neck. Scientifically proven to make them grit their teeth and make their toes pop.

-Driver: What’s it sound like? I mean can you describe it?

-Shop Owner: Hard to, but actually they have a description on the box here. Let’s see, one part “baby’s shrill cry”, one part “cat’s temperature being taken”, one part “nails on a chalkboard”, one part “hands on an inflated balloon” and of course one part “Early AOL dial-up”.

-Driver: Wow sounds exactly like what I’m looking for.

-Shop Owner: Well it probably is if you’re really looking to make that kid squirm in his seat. Here’s the deal though. You’ve got to really ride this thing. I mean you’ve really got to use it. See it uses some kind of special high pitched whistling mechanism that starts to deteriorate if you don’t use it every 30 seconds. And when you use it, really try to do multiple shots in quick succession or a long drawn out sound like when you stop at a station and the bus in front of you isn’t moving and you need to make sure he knows you’re behind him. So when I say really ride it, you’ve got to sound that thing loud for at least 45 seconds to a minute and a half.

-Driver: Wow this is great. Thanks for your help. I think this is exactly what I’m looking for. This should be just the thing to put him over the edge. I think I’ll take it.

- Shop Owner: Great. Anything else?

- Driver: No, I think that’s it. Thanks so much.

- Shop Owner: Well I’m glad I could help out. Hope that works for you. Have a good day….

- Driver: Thanks.

- Shop Owner: Sure thing… hey wait just one minute…

- Driver: Yah?

- Shop Owner: How exactly do you know so much about this kid? I mean how do you know all these things about him?

- Driver: Huh?... oh that? I just read his blog.

- Shop Owner: Got it, alright, good luck.

- Driver: Thanks.