(written in Oradea Romania- Oct. 11th 2008)
I suppose I should just write and keep writing almost without using the backspace except to fix spelling errors. Cause those bother me.
My father is gone. It’s a weird thing. A strange thing to think that the life that brought me into the world has breathed it’s last and has stopped existing.
There’s all these things you feel and think. All these unsaid emotions and feelings and thoughts and regrets. All these things I wish I could’ve said before he died. I wish I could’ve told him that I wasn’t angry at him. I wasn’t upset or mad about the things he did. I know I’d told him before, years ago that I wasn’t upset or anything but I wish I could have two days. Or even two hours just to say what I feel. To say all these things that I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I want to see where he’s buried, but I don’t even know what that will be like I don’t know if it’s just a plaque or a sign on a wall. I need to see something. I’m afraid though of seeing all these things. But I have to.
I wish I had two hours. To find out where he was born and what he wanted to do with his life. To find out where he went to school and who his friends were and what happened to the motorcycle. Two hours to listen and see and apologize for not being more involved in his life.
I wish I would have gone to see him. To see where he lived and what he did. To maybe give him a little light and hope to continue living. In the end my father just wanted to die. He wanted to leave this world. He wanted to stop breathing and be done with everything. His body was tired and exhausted. He had no desire. No drive. Nothing to live for.
And I’m surprisingly ok. For the most part. One minute I’m totally fine. The next minute I’m crying. Then I’m questioning. Then I’m trying to understand what I need to do and how to find resolve and closure. I have a feeling it’ll be more difficult to find than I expect.
I don’t think I’ve ached like this in a long time. I actually don’t remember ever feeling this way about anything before. Ever. It’s like a constant nagging of something so heavy on your heart. Like in Peru when you’re up in the mountains and you feel like someone is pushing against you trying to keep you from breathing. That’s what it’s like. Like I struggle to breath.
Everything seems to bother me right now. I feel like I fake laughter. I feel like everybody knows and they just stare at me waiting for me to cry.
Life goes on. True. But it hurts.
I start to cry multiple times during the day. And I stop myself.
My father wanted to die. He chose to be alone at the end of his life. He chose to walk away from me and mom and Micah. Yet somehow I still feel like I should’ve done more. Like I will always regret not picking up the phone.
And God knew. He knew I would be feeling this. He felt it. He feels it everytime someone dies. Hurt.
Marv died. That’s all my mom’s email said. One email saying he was going to be taken off life support. And then six hours later those two words. Now in some way I’m supposed to have the emotional and physical and spiritual capacity to lead 10 people I’ve never met into schools and balance my work and home life while being 10,000 miles away.
I don’t want to be here. I want to be home where I can sit in my room all day and not think about anything. And not have people ask me questions or talk to me. I want to be home. Before when people went home early I always scoffed and thought how ridiculous that was that people would leave the ministry or the programs. How stupid to change all that stuff to be able to go back. It’s not like you can do anything about it now. You can’t really change anything or fix it or somehow solve anything. When people would go home because someone’s marriage was junk or someone died. They couldn’t fix any of that.
It’s not about fixing the problem at that point. It’s about fixing yourself. It’s less about what happened to someone and more what’s happening to you. It’s about healing yourself and finding restoration and the ability to continue doing what you do and continue living. Letting it hurt so you can open a wound and it can be healed so you can someday help others.
Someone on my team once went home early because of a death. Before they left they said that I wouldn’t have done that. They said I would have stayed. I thought they were right. I thought that I would have stayed if someone in my family had died. But they were wrong. I’m going home. Not to try and bring back my father. But to bring back me. It’s not about bringing closure, but about bringing understanding.
I want my life to count. I don’t want my death to be mourned and remembered as a grievance of missed opportunities. I will try to loose the guilt and the feelings of never being able to fix the errors I feel that I’ve made.
My father wanted to die. That’s what my mom said. But I didn’t want him to.
Please pray for my family and I as we seek God and His healing.
Thanks for reading.
matt
10.15.2008
7.16.2008
Two-Sixty-Seven
If anyone ever offers an unforgettable journey to the top of a tower, be sure to ask whether they’ve actually completed the climb before; and also ask a few questions of the employees about what happens if you want to turn back halfway.
York Minster is a historical landmark in England. Hundreds of years old and a beautiful building to see and step into, the church is truly breathtaking. There are thousands of stained glass windows throughout the building. The high ceilings, stone and woodworking are sights that you rarely see. There was something else that day that caught my attention as we toured the old church.
We climbed the 260 or so steps in the circular staircase to the top of the tower. The stairs actually curve upward to the left instead of to the right. So as you walk up them your right arm is touching the middle column area and your left arm is holding the small handrail. Hundreds of years ago when invaders would try to rush up the staircases they would be at a disadvantage as your sword arm (right arm) would be impeded by the small confines. The defenders of course coming down the stairs would have their right arm free to slash away and repel the attack. (Small history lesson there…)
I guess the best part about it is that when you finally force your feet onto the top of the tower you’re greeted by an incredible view of York. This is quite a reward as there are many points along the climb when your legs are telling you to stop, but the people behind you or your own self-determination push you upwards.
The day was perfect as well. Bright white clouds and a sharp blue sky made the red and grey tile rooftops even more brilliant. The different shades of green from trees and grass areas made the view even more spectacular. As I walked the square rooftop viewing the sight from the different angles, my gaze focused on the ground below us.
There near the base of the building was a school I hadn’t noticed when we first came up. I saw about twenty or so school children scurrying in the areas below. The children played carefree as the great towering cathedral stood behind them. They ran back and forth between sunlight and shadows, yet they are enraptured with their own games and activities giving no second thought to the building near which they play. I thought about this for a moment, how these children can play freely in the shadows of a mighty building that represents an authority and presence so important to the city.
And then somehow, the life lesson is revealed.
Today among other things, fuel prices are rising. We face an election that will probably change the face of our country. The housing market is crashing. The unemployment rate is past 5%. The price of commodities is rising. Yet in all this, my creator still sits on the throne.
In that moment of seeing those children run and play I saw myself in them. I saw how God wants me to stay next to Him. How the problems in life will seem much smaller as my view of Him gets bigger.
I will not look to who sits in the President’s seat to solve my problems. I will not pray more or less depending on which party wins or loses in the next few months. I will not trust in a job or in money. I will not fear when the world around me seems to say all is lost. I will trust in my Father as I rest in His shadow.
I stood there for a moment that day and watched the children playing in the schoolyard. Their laughter and yelling could be heard way up here, 267 steps from the ground below. I took a picture that day of the children playing in their blue, white and grey school uniforms. I’ll probably use it someday to remind me that regardless of how the wind blows, regardless of what storms come I will rest and put my trust in the One who never changes. The One who holds the universe in His hand is bigger than all the worlds problems and certainly bigger than mine.
So after taking in the thoughts way up high on the rooftop that day. I started to question how we would get back down. I was hoping for a fireman’s pole or an elevator, to hasten the journey back to sea level. To my dismay it turns out you get down the same way you got up. The 267 stairs way. As I walked back towards the staircase I stopped to ask one of the employees if anyone ever had to be rescued from the confined quarters of the winding staircase. Yes she replied; someone recently had to be airlifted off the roof where I was currently standing. It sure sounded like a much more exciting way to get down, but I did have to wonder who would pay for that?
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jer. 17:7-8
Thanks for reading
York Minster is a historical landmark in England. Hundreds of years old and a beautiful building to see and step into, the church is truly breathtaking. There are thousands of stained glass windows throughout the building. The high ceilings, stone and woodworking are sights that you rarely see. There was something else that day that caught my attention as we toured the old church.
We climbed the 260 or so steps in the circular staircase to the top of the tower. The stairs actually curve upward to the left instead of to the right. So as you walk up them your right arm is touching the middle column area and your left arm is holding the small handrail. Hundreds of years ago when invaders would try to rush up the staircases they would be at a disadvantage as your sword arm (right arm) would be impeded by the small confines. The defenders of course coming down the stairs would have their right arm free to slash away and repel the attack. (Small history lesson there…)
I guess the best part about it is that when you finally force your feet onto the top of the tower you’re greeted by an incredible view of York. This is quite a reward as there are many points along the climb when your legs are telling you to stop, but the people behind you or your own self-determination push you upwards.
The day was perfect as well. Bright white clouds and a sharp blue sky made the red and grey tile rooftops even more brilliant. The different shades of green from trees and grass areas made the view even more spectacular. As I walked the square rooftop viewing the sight from the different angles, my gaze focused on the ground below us.
There near the base of the building was a school I hadn’t noticed when we first came up. I saw about twenty or so school children scurrying in the areas below. The children played carefree as the great towering cathedral stood behind them. They ran back and forth between sunlight and shadows, yet they are enraptured with their own games and activities giving no second thought to the building near which they play. I thought about this for a moment, how these children can play freely in the shadows of a mighty building that represents an authority and presence so important to the city.
And then somehow, the life lesson is revealed.
Today among other things, fuel prices are rising. We face an election that will probably change the face of our country. The housing market is crashing. The unemployment rate is past 5%. The price of commodities is rising. Yet in all this, my creator still sits on the throne.
In that moment of seeing those children run and play I saw myself in them. I saw how God wants me to stay next to Him. How the problems in life will seem much smaller as my view of Him gets bigger.
I will not look to who sits in the President’s seat to solve my problems. I will not pray more or less depending on which party wins or loses in the next few months. I will not trust in a job or in money. I will not fear when the world around me seems to say all is lost. I will trust in my Father as I rest in His shadow.
I stood there for a moment that day and watched the children playing in the schoolyard. Their laughter and yelling could be heard way up here, 267 steps from the ground below. I took a picture that day of the children playing in their blue, white and grey school uniforms. I’ll probably use it someday to remind me that regardless of how the wind blows, regardless of what storms come I will rest and put my trust in the One who never changes. The One who holds the universe in His hand is bigger than all the worlds problems and certainly bigger than mine.
So after taking in the thoughts way up high on the rooftop that day. I started to question how we would get back down. I was hoping for a fireman’s pole or an elevator, to hasten the journey back to sea level. To my dismay it turns out you get down the same way you got up. The 267 stairs way. As I walked back towards the staircase I stopped to ask one of the employees if anyone ever had to be rescued from the confined quarters of the winding staircase. Yes she replied; someone recently had to be airlifted off the roof where I was currently standing. It sure sounded like a much more exciting way to get down, but I did have to wonder who would pay for that?
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jer. 17:7-8
Thanks for reading
5.02.2008
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